audrina (pistolstar) wrote,
audrina
pistolstar

"when will this crooked path cease to end........."

dreams about brian last night...
i was in my old house and i went to the mailbox... got 3 little packages. one of them was from brian, so i didn't pay attention to the other ones. i went inside and announced it to everyone. it was supposedly a valentine, and the chocolates were a little melted. i can't remember much of what it said... something about him having a girlfriend for a while. then i saw a picture of her... i don't know how it appeared, but she was not very good looking. then another picture of him standing by her smiling, the exact same way he looked in a picture where he was next to me.

then dreams of snorting oxy with some girl, often in a moving vehicle. wandering around in a parking lot looking for "the van" where brian would be. i can never find it. then walking though a park seeing brian there, smoking a cigarette outside of "the van"... he is very sweet to me. it reminds me of the good times... but deep down inside i know it's not that way.

in a house with strangers doing drugs all around me. somehow candles part of the equipment? ... i get mad because everyone is making me burn my candle down lower than theirs, and the lower it is, the less it will work.

walking down a street (looking for you know who). 6 identical little boys on a swingset, with a man behind them shouting orders. "one two three now FLIP!" and one little boy flips on his swing. as i get up to a house, a voice-over talking about some kind of flower that has soft blue projectiles that come out of the middle and go down your throat, choking you. i witness it, but it's like a film strip beside me, so i can't do anything. then the little boys come off their swings and help the lady. walking further, there are sheer images of "flower anatomy" and a voice talking about how euphoric feelings come when the flower chokes you. sparkles and other things in the sky. i disregard the statement as rubbish.

old recurring thing;
trying so hard to call brian but can never dial the number right

when i woke up this morning i cried a little
because i thought about him & how i'm sure he never dreams of me
& how bad matt would feel knowing all this

i need brian's address so i can write him a letter
i've been having urges to do this forever
i have so much to tell him & i hate thinking about how he doesn't fucking care

god damnit
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