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[ website | reprise.beekeeper.net ]
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[04 Aug 2013|09:27pm]
When I sat on the train
in october the sky appeared torn
and the trees were red and rusted
I thought of soneone
and re-said my goodbye

I would have waved a hankercheif,
I would have thrown a flower,

I would have used
the magic of tears
and bled harder, tried harder

trapped him in my heart.

[04 Aug 2013|09:24pm]
glowworms and fireflies
in the neon garden
love in june is bright
pink-orange moon rising

violet firework exploding
shooting of the spoon
nearby a shadow moves

"hiding away
tie up boquet
this secret is mine alone"

at sunset [04 Aug 2013|09:21pm]
cotton candy clown
stir the pink sugar
a tricycle in the yard

on the front stair
a teacup flowerpot
three year old hands
trace cement cracks

inside the bright house
lucy in her yellow apron
closes the blinds
lights the gaslamp

the child draws a sailboat

in the distant sea
the ships come to shore

chalice [04 Aug 2013|09:16pm]
pour the liquid
it falls through glass
golden chalice to my lips
feed the flowers
in my mind

my heart like a rose
blooming in slow motion
sparkles in my veins
flirting, fading

pale faces behind the curtain
reveal themselves
happy again
sweet nectar of red
staining pouty lips

the windowlight is mellow
the candle burns low

Gleam [04 Aug 2013|09:08pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

I see the spires of buildings
along the treeline at sunrise
the city beyond
blue towers, bridges sparkling
everything is clean and bright

I am surrounded by emerald
the hills roll and fall
blossoms fold into eachother
and rebloom
full and heavy

Soon I will walk
the plush land of the kingdom
near the stone ledge
the weeping willow

I will find the joyous crystal
and trap myself in the moment
seeing for miles
all that is mine.


[26 Jul 2007|02:03pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

There must be something out there that will make me feel better!
This heat is just ridiculous. My room has been messy for a while now, and I always find that when it's messy, I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to clean it.

Been having little fits of crying for no reason lately. Or little reasons. Happened today once but I have a feeling it won't be the last time.

Don't know what's wrong but I'm going to clean my room and I hope it makes me feel better.

{3 | house}

[01 May 2007|12:43am]
[ mood | sad ]

I don't know what's going on.
I'm home alone and don't exactly know why I'm sad. I'm having weird thoughts and memories. I suppose it doesn't help that I was on archive.org trying to find people's old websites. I found one that used to be on Eric's domain, and that website always gave me really weird feelings. So I guess that's part of it... I also remembered someone I know that used to have a livejournal by the name of "worldless... and for some reason it gave me a really weird feeling too. I can't remember what they wrote on that journal at all, but I remember it was dark, as most of their stuff was at that time.

I guess maybe I just have to concentrate on the NOW. What am I doing?... I don't think drugs or alcohol could take this feeling away. Another thing that's bothering me is that I really miss Matt. Lately, I don't get to see much of him because I'm so busy with Group and work. What can I do to feel better...

I wish someone was around so I wouldn't have to be alone! Maybe I could go play with my kitties? Well now I finally got Jenny's flickr to load - that should cheer me up a little bit.

I gotta go for now. Sorry this is such an "I" post - most of my entries are like that these days. Fuck it.


[07 Mar 2007|03:44pm]
I don't know what's going on. I'm really not happy today. I wasn't yesterday either... I hate when something is bothering me. I know it's a combination of many things, but don't know what they all are. There must be some way for me to figure it out. I keep thinking maybe I'll feel better when I get to work, but I'm dreading going there.

I just want to drive and be able to go places like other fucking people in the world. Why is that so fucking much to ask? Leave the house at will? I am so annoyed and sad today.

I want out.
{2 | house}

[02 Jan 2007|09:26pm]
All's well...

They let me come out with them for new year's eve. It was fun. I talked to strangers... but whatever. I even danced to a song! Just one. "Come on Eileen"... hehe. I like that song.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm hungry. I don't feel like drinking... and if I did, I don't have anything anyway.

I cleaned my room today and it looks fabulous!

We're getting rid of our second phone line, so I won't be able to be on the internet without thinking I'm tying up the phone line the whole time. Oh well.

See ya.
{1 | house}

[05 Dec 2006|04:39pm]
Yay, I got called into work. So I have to close for Erin tonight. Somehow I knew I would get called in today! I'm not mad but I really don't feel like closing. I have to tomorrow too. Oh well. More money for me!

Gotta be there by 4:30/5:00. I have a feeling it'll be 5:00 though, because my pants are in the dryer. Thankfully the washer only takes 22 minutes on express wash.

Looking back through this journal, I realize how much I let it go.

Where the hell is all the poetry? Why am I not writing anymore?

This issue will be resolved... haha. I am going to start drawing again too.

[04 Dec 2006|01:25am]
All in all, today was good. Work was hellish for a while... I felt like I was going to snap.

The other night, I had a dream that we were at Matt's mom's house, and there were cats all around (she has 4 cats in real life), but one of them was really different, and it kept changing. I was watching it for a while, and slowly it turned into the Cheshire cat from Alice in wonderland. It was really creepy though. It turned and looked at me and its mouth turned into that fucked up smile with really sharp teeth... sometimes he seemed kind of plasticy, and sometimes kind of machine like. It scared me in the dream... but I never really thought that the Alice cheshire cat was scary.

Subterannean is on right now... I'm missing it. BBL.

[28 Nov 2006|01:44pm]
Well... after 2 days of being kind of mopey and ill, I feel better.
And I felt better right after I woke up, which is very rare for me. I think what really made it happen was: I was smoking a cig in the garage, drinking coffee with hazelnut creamer, looking through an LL Bean catalog, and there was Christmas music on the radio! Thank goodness for those kinds of moments. I looked up and realized that I wasn't feeling depressed.

Then I went back inside and remembered that the house is kind of messy, and if I have any chance of going to see Matt today, I better tidy up a little! But decided to come online for a while, since there's time.

My dreams weren't the best... parts of them were still nightmareish, but I don't feel like they're taking over my thoughts and feelings like normal. Maybe that's because, just before I woke up, I dreamt I was on the phone with Matt. He was requesting different kinds of clothes to bring him, such as a "Thin crust flannel hoodie"... which doesn't exist. And some kind of green, sparkly belly shirt. There were all kinds of animals in my yard at once. A raccoon, a skunk, my 2 kitties, wolves, and even a guinea pig who occasionally would be flying... without wings. What the hell.
{12 | house}

[05 Nov 2006|02:25pm]
walking on eggshells

i wonder why people use that term, including me
but you know what? it seems as though that's all i ever do in this house anymore! i'm so sick of worrying about if i'm doing the wrong thing!

i'm trying my best.

[05 Nov 2006|02:18pm]
[ mood | allergy invaded ]


few screw up nights of drinking. whatever... they were bound to happen. i do feel bad about them, though. and yes i was on the pill but the first night i drank, i hadn't taken it for 4 days... so i thought well, i guess i won't get quite as sick. and i was right. then i did it a few more times. i don't know how long its been. i think the last time was a few days ago, while i was trying to finally finish watching "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and i knew that there would be drinking in the movie... so i had a little something too. the funny thing about people drinking on tv and in movies... chances are, they aren't really drinking. so why do i feel the compulsion to drink? because i always think to myself, "well if they can, i can!"

when they let me have the car to go to work, i like to listen to kate bush. "hounds of love" is the album i usually listen to... favorite songs are "hello earth" and "dream of sheep" at the moment. closely second are "cloudbusting" and "waking the witch".... also have been listening to guided by voices, "earthquake glue"

things with matt are still good. he is the most understanding and sweet guy ever. i'm thankful to know what it's like to have someone like him in my life. we're always there for eachother.

don't know what else to say right now. i'll update later.


[29 Sep 2006|01:23pm]
20 days sober. Feels like so much longer!

Matt got sent back to jail because he blew a 0.02 when his p.o. came to see him. He's going to be sent to Milwaukee and put in a drug & alcohol treatment center for 3 to 6 months. Great. He just fucking got out and now he has to go away again. I'm pretty pissed but there's nothing I can do.

I only have 8 Antabuse pills left and my Medical Assistance plan doesn't cover them... which can mean many things. In a way I wish I weren't on this fucking pill. But I would never have the willpower to not drink without it! At least not right now. Plus they make me really tired.

Sometimes I really resent all of the people out there who can just get drunk whenever they want... oh well.

I should really be finishing cleaning. See ya later.
{3 | house}

[19 Sep 2006|06:14pm]
Hospital scare.
Week old news. Almost died of alcohol poisoning. Now going to quit drinking for a long time.

I was drinking before work... I wandered around the cemetery Jenny & I used to go to when we were younger. Sat around in there swigging vodka, the whole time thinking "What I'm doing is wrong."... I went to visit the statue with one hand that I used to visit all of the time. Went to work drunk, but for some reason thought I could pull it off. Got sent home - had nowhere go to, so I went to South Point. Sat in there drinking coca cola, mixed with vodka (which I did in the bathroom). Talked to people I didn't know. Apparently fell down and they called an ambulance. After this I blacked out and woke up on the 4th floor of the Hospital in detox after two days of being passed out. Spent two days there. Got released and now am sober for 9 days.

It's been hard but I have to do it. I'm on anabuse, so even if I slip up and have a drink, I'll get really sick. Throwing up, burning hot skin, etc. Doesn't sound fun. Going to see a counselor every week. After my financial papers get processed, I'll be going to group day treatment at Ministry 3 times a week for 4 hours each time. For 5 weeks. Great....

I guess my fun-loving party days are over for a while!
{4 | house}

[02 Sep 2006|03:33pm]
[ mood | tight chested ]

I'm back.

Right now I'm kind of nervous... I don't really know why. I guess I should be getting ready for work.

Matthew is getting out on the 5th! I can't wait. I'm so anxious. I hope all of this maddness will end when he gets out... but what if it gets worse?... It better not! At least I'll be happier. I think I really need a drink right now, but have nothing, and it would be a bad idea before work anyway.

*wrings hands*

Still having weird dreams and nightmares. I really can't explain how scary my nightmares are. I wonder why I want to sleep so much when my dreams always leave me feeling weird when I wake up. Sometimes I have dreams that I'm Alice from Alice in wonderland, but it's way different. Those usually aren't that freaky.

Well, must get ready. & smoke. I want this feeling to go away.

{1 | house}

[02 Sep 2006|03:33pm]

hey. [03 Jul 2006|11:48pm]
[ mood | just not good ]

(feb 13 2006)

i wish it really was july 3rd! it would be so much better.
i can't seem to get out of these winter blues. it's not that bad, but it lasts so long.

i'm bored as fuck and drinking grape juice out of a goblet because i can't get any wine. if i had my liscence i could go get it on my own, but i can't get shit because i always have to have someone pick me up to get it, if i'm at home.

but i guess in happier news... my bouncy ball collection is up to 51! & my little pony collection is i think on 39? and my alice in wonderland/through the looking glass book collection is up to 12! not including the one i still have to give back to jenny k, which i have no idea when that will happen.

i'm still with matt... things are going good. he moved in with my friend tabetha. i can't wait until tomorrow, because my mom's going to let matt come over. he has off, so i'm going to give him come to my work, give him my $16 dollars and have him get a bottle of whiskey and some wine (cheap stuff, i don't care). i hope we have a good valentines day.

well, seinfeld is starting in 14 minutes (yes, i still watch that show almost every day), and i want to smoke a cig. so see ya later.

{2 | house}

"when will this crooked path cease to end........." [28 Feb 2006|01:23pm]
dreams about brian last night...
i was in my old house and i went to the mailbox... got 3 little packages. one of them was from brian, so i didn't pay attention to the other ones. i went inside and announced it to everyone. it was supposedly a valentine, and the chocolates were a little melted. i can't remember much of what it said... something about him having a girlfriend for a while. then i saw a picture of her... i don't know how it appeared, but she was not very good looking. then another picture of him standing by her smiling, the exact same way he looked in a picture where he was next to me.

then dreams of snorting oxy with some girl, often in a moving vehicle. wandering around in a parking lot looking for "the van" where brian would be. i can never find it. then walking though a park seeing brian there, smoking a cigarette outside of "the van"... he is very sweet to me. it reminds me of the good times... but deep down inside i know it's not that way.

in a house with strangers doing drugs all around me. somehow candles part of the equipment? ... i get mad because everyone is making me burn my candle down lower than theirs, and the lower it is, the less it will work.

walking down a street (looking for you know who). 6 identical little boys on a swingset, with a man behind them shouting orders. "one two three now FLIP!" and one little boy flips on his swing. as i get up to a house, a voice-over talking about some kind of flower that has soft blue projectiles that come out of the middle and go down your throat, choking you. i witness it, but it's like a film strip beside me, so i can't do anything. then the little boys come off their swings and help the lady. walking further, there are sheer images of "flower anatomy" and a voice talking about how euphoric feelings come when the flower chokes you. sparkles and other things in the sky. i disregard the statement as rubbish.

old recurring thing;
trying so hard to call brian but can never dial the number right

when i woke up this morning i cried a little
because i thought about him & how i'm sure he never dreams of me
& how bad matt would feel knowing all this

i need brian's address so i can write him a letter
i've been having urges to do this forever
i have so much to tell him & i hate thinking about how he doesn't fucking care

god damnit
{4 | house}

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