audrina (pistolstar) wrote,

"when will this crooked path cease to end........."

dreams about brian last night...
i was in my old house and i went to the mailbox... got 3 little packages. one of them was from brian, so i didn't pay attention to the other ones. i went inside and announced it to everyone. it was supposedly a valentine, and the chocolates were a little melted. i can't remember much of what it said... something about him having a girlfriend for a while. then i saw a picture of her... i don't know how it appeared, but she was not very good looking. then another picture of him standing by her smiling, the exact same way he looked in a picture where he was next to me.

then dreams of snorting oxy with some girl, often in a moving vehicle. wandering around in a parking lot looking for "the van" where brian would be. i can never find it. then walking though a park seeing brian there, smoking a cigarette outside of "the van"... he is very sweet to me. it reminds me of the good times... but deep down inside i know it's not that way.

in a house with strangers doing drugs all around me. somehow candles part of the equipment? ... i get mad because everyone is making me burn my candle down lower than theirs, and the lower it is, the less it will work.

walking down a street (looking for you know who). 6 identical little boys on a swingset, with a man behind them shouting orders. "one two three now FLIP!" and one little boy flips on his swing. as i get up to a house, a voice-over talking about some kind of flower that has soft blue projectiles that come out of the middle and go down your throat, choking you. i witness it, but it's like a film strip beside me, so i can't do anything. then the little boys come off their swings and help the lady. walking further, there are sheer images of "flower anatomy" and a voice talking about how euphoric feelings come when the flower chokes you. sparkles and other things in the sky. i disregard the statement as rubbish.

old recurring thing;
trying so hard to call brian but can never dial the number right

when i woke up this morning i cried a little
because i thought about him & how i'm sure he never dreams of me
& how bad matt would feel knowing all this

i need brian's address so i can write him a letter
i've been having urges to do this forever
i have so much to tell him & i hate thinking about how he doesn't fucking care

god damnit
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very strange dream... especially the blue projectiles and flipping swing boy. the drug stuff i can relate to. i fucking hate it when my weed turns into something else, like sawdust or puffy stuff. you should update more often.
dude i'm so sorry i haven't gotten back to you. I've been really busy with school and work. Things should calm down over the next week or so... hopefully.
oh jenny, it's alright =) but we hould hang out whenever things settle... some kind of little small get-together

(maybe matt there if you don't mind him - actually you never really met him anyway, but he's really nice)
well you should call me as soon as possible either way to at least set something up... you know in an around about way.
I really would like to hang out with you......